Marika

I'm moving to a different Lj name. I've probably already added you, my new name is satoriinflorida. Hop over there and add me if you like :-) I'm not deleting this journal, just keeping it open, but no longer using it.

my medication is making me agitated, scattered and manic. it's fucking with my sleep schedule even more than normal. it makes me obsessively clean my house until i'm tired and overheated. i won't even stop to eat or go to the bathroom. i've gotten obsessively compulsively interested in cleaning. and germs. i don't care about either that much normally. plus i'm really fucking angry at everything. especially people, drivers (road rage), and life. i'm impatient and easily upset. what is this stuff, meth?

it sucks because i feel like i can't get the right medication for me. i can't tell you how many medications i've been on. it's so fucked up. i'm either overmedicated or on the wrong medication (not good). the sleeping pills work though. i've had two really horrible days in a row, and this is a recent thing.

i got to see demitra today on really short notice though which is good. and i thought i only had half an hour but i got a whole hour because her next appt was late.

my fuckin' computer broke today. it was my fault and it sucks ass. i'm not even gonna go into how i felt this morning. and to put the cherry on this piece of shit day, i have bronchitis again (third time in three years, that means it's probably chronic) which triggers my asthma, which causes me not only to hork up goo, but to feel like i'm being choked from the inside at the same time. and when i cough, it feels like someone is running nails through my lungs.

here are some positives to balance out this bitching.

-muse concert
-tool rescheduled the april concert to an undetermined date, which is actually better for me because i don't have the money for it right now.
-finally got off my ass and turned in a job application, well actually i WAS on my ass cuz i did it online from the safety of my couch
-today, yesterday, and the day before i've been on a mini spending spree, not good for the money situation but it makes me happy. got some cute shirts, toys, groceries, and random things i needed around the house.
-good tv tonight...
-hopefully this week will be better.

Question time. All comments will be screened. It can be any question, it does not matter what it is and I will answer you honestly. I'll post the answers publically.

Thanks for the idea vegan_goddess.

Here's your Libra horoscope for Tuesday, February 20th:

You are feeling especially psychic and mystically inclined today, dear Libra. You might want to read about such matters, or attend a lecture or workshop given by someone in the field. Telepathic communications are coming your way; don't be surprised if more than once during the course of the day you and another say the exact same thing at the exact same time! You might also experience a powerful kinship with people from the past.

That sounds about right. :)

Although I don't regret moving to Florida at all, I've never really liked the state itself. It's been since mid-'99 to now, so about seven years, and Dunedin doesn't feel like home. It did when I was away at college, but that's normal. Ever since I moved I wanted to move back up north, Pennsylvania particularly because I just love that state. The Christmas before last, my aunt Susie sent me a letter and we talked on the phone, then she sent some presents. That was 2005 and she told me directly in the letter that her home was always open to me and she would love it if I came to visit. Rereading her letter tonight made me feel hopeful about the future. Maybe my move to Penn can come earlier than I anticipated. I've got about 60 college credits that may or may not transfer. I could easily get my associates. One, two semesters in school, max. I could do that at SPC, or a community college in Penn. Or even USF. There is the issue of the D's and F's that mar my college record. USF allows grade forgiveness, and I want to take advantage of that so my GPA will be good for a psychology program to get my bachelors and grad school in the future.

Basically I have a lot of options, most of which involving staying here in Florida feel wrong. I'm sick of this place, sick of feeling stuck not only in this state but stuck in my life. I want movement, adventure, new experiences, new people. I'm tired of piecing together enough people here to form a support system. It's just not enough. I've got friends, but all of them live at least 30 minutes to an hour away from my house. I see the quizbowl guys maybe twice a month, but usually it's less frequent than that. BJ lives in Largo -- 30 minutes, 20 without bad traffic -- and he's my closest friend. Then there's Sarah, Kim, Kelly, and Sam, all who I consider to be close friends, and they all live far away. And since I can't pick up all my friends and plop them down within a 3 mile radius from me, I've gotta just follow my heart.

I finally understood that I can do whatever I want in this life. (Granted, I would never want to do evil things, hurt people or whatever, so it's just a given that I can do whatever as long as I do it without harming others.) And if I truly posess free will, and could start the moving process tomorrow if I so desired, that would be great! Sure, I would miss Bj, and I don't know if Steve would join me, but I'm kind of an expert in making friendships work despite distance. This is just someting to consider. Pennsylvania is somewhere I've wanted to live ever since I visited my family there when I was little. It's gorgeous, nature wise. I have dreams about Pennsylvania. It is where I belong. My heart says yes.

I need to break out of the inertia that surrounds me here anyway. Stop banging my head up against the wall, feeling guilty for past events, living in fear of my aunt, asshole across the street, dawdling with school. I'm just gonna go for it. With no time limits for now, but within a year would be great. By the summer would be better!

My Fortune Cookie told me: You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message. Get a cookie from Miss Fortune

My day kinda sucked because i'm having insomnia again, but it's all OK because this morning I bought TICKETS TO SEE MUSE!!! So happy!

now, my ride situation is still eeh *shakes hand* but if i can preemptively celebrate, HELL YEAH!!! god, when i first heard absolution, i was at work, and i vowed to myself that yes i will see them in concert before they break up or i die. (unfortunately i made this pact with myself for tool and rusted root and red hot chili peppers, sadly i haven't seen them, YET!) since muse is a british band, i'm super excited that they are coming not only to america but to florida and tampa of all places. :) hehe.

also, Tool is coming here in a few months and tickets go on sale this saturday morning. i want to go, but i'm not getting my hopes up too high because i've been let down before. i had a ticket to see tool in my hand the night of the concert, but i could not get a ride because the venue was about four hours away. at that time i didn't know how to drive, and my mom decided not to take me, what with the 8 hours of travelling time, not to mention she'd have to sit around and wait for the concert to let out. looking back i so don't blame her. when i bought the ticket on the phone from (evil) ticketmaster, i practically wrestled her credit card away from her to do so. she kept saying, "i don't know if you can go, it's too far away." but i had a while to convince her before the concert, and there was always the possibility of a ride. long story short, it was a big let down, i was pissed.

for muse, and possibly for tool, i would walk to that concert and spend the night in a ditch if i couldn't get transportation.

then there was the... unpleasant incident... the ugliness if you will... when i bought two tickets to go see Tori Amos over in tampa. live about an hour away from there. i bought the extra ticket for my ride, who wasn't a huge tori fan but was willing to go, so long as i chipped in for gas. for some reason, the night of the concert, he ignored my calls and completely stood me up. i was furious. i remember marching over to his house to get the $47 back from him. he was on his way out with a date and just handed me the money in an envelope with not so much as a hello or goodbye. because i love tori so much, this incident lead to us not speaking for a good bit, maybe even a few years. i guess i can forgive him -- it was five years ago. :) that's what happens when you get between me and my Tori.

i got daffodils on valentines day and we went out to a restaurant and got in thirty minutes before it closed, the waiter said it was good that we came in now because earlier they had a 2 hour wait. if only i'd believed in better things for that day, for me, it would have gone syncronistically and without a hitch. oh well, it was really great. good to begin well, better to end well, says a fortune cookie, and i believe it.

some new noisy neighbors have moved in and i'm convinced they are exact replicas of the people who moved out before them. they're louder, though. but the really joyous thing is... so far, no dogs. there's a fence for dogs, but no dogs! the last people's dog was so old sounding in its bark. it sounded tired and yappy at the same time. it's a hard noise to describe, but this dog sounded like it had one paw in the door. it was an arthritic old bark like the elderly animal channel. it used to bark early early, or late late.

friendship is still ... transitory, i guess. tentative is a better word. but i'm beginning to think i could have a steady friends group... !! sometimes we miss tampa, and all its fucked up glory. it was the most i ever threw up and it changed my life forever.

they're not sending monthly updates like i asked tara to tell them, because they promised. that's what they said, that was their word. they didn't say thanks for the christmas present and this makes me feel... like i'm pushing my way into their life. i feel disgusting that way. all i can do now is sit back with folded hands.

it might freeze tonight! i took the flowers in and put them in the bathtub and it looks like a planter and it makes me happy. this particular weather day is ick because it's hot (the sun) and cold (the air) so you sweat and chill. other than that florida is tolerable but i really miss up north, pennsylvania specifically but if i have to hunker down and finish up my associates and bachelor's here, so be it. i guess. as far as a BIG MOVE goes, i don't know. gotta focus on immediate steps towards attainable goals, which is hard.

blah blah life blah steve blah therapy blah sad blah woo

that's about it. we played foosball and god damn i'm awesome at foosball. steve's about my equal at it though, which makes for an enjoyably competitive game. someday it would be cool to have a ping pong table.

last night i didn't sleep so i'm pretty exhausted. probably why i'm writing now. tonight, i'm excited for board games and people and yee, maybe starbucks, i love the coffee.

i freakin' love bright eyes!!

I went to SPC (my local community college) and I am now a student. It's only community college but it's a step in the right direction. And the best part is, after 5 years of college, I'm only three classes away from my associates. Well, I need to CLEP out of two courses, Comp I and Intro to Computers.

My Demitra hour was great today. We talked about body image and bisexuality. Just what I wanted to talk about.

All in all, a good productive day. Even though I had moments of depression. Oh and yesterday I cleaned the shit out of my house. It looks immaculate. Yay-yuh!

And got in touch with some old friends, glee. ^^

Well, my top 12 list of annoying internet things came back to bite me in the ass. I stated an opinion in ask me anything or TQC and someone didn't agree. Not only did they leave me a blantanly flamey comment, but they made a post to the same community asking if they thought my opinion was wrong. Sheesh. INTERNETZ SERIOUS BIZNIZZ. Who cares? I've had the urge to start some interdrama for a little while now, but I wasn't even trying here. Plus, I already (inadvertantly) started some by posting a question in ask me anything, and I just stopped reading the comments because they thought I was being insulting or ignorant. I realize that I love the internet too much for my own good and I spend just as much time on here as them. But on the other side of the coin, it doesn't matter. This is not life. Get over it.

Maybe I should leave the question club and ask me anything. I mean, I still like the communities, but it's causing me more grief than good.

I'm 40% LiveJournal!



You've gotten your name around.
But you probably could've spent more time on your user info.

The LiveJournal Quiz

Take Other Caffeine Nebula Quizzes

I got Emmy's four month update today. She's so big! And she's starting to look a little bit different than me now. She's eating baby food, carrots, green beans, yams, and she LOVES the yams, which is funny because I don't like yams. They're one of those foods that I always take at Thanksgiving thinking I like them but I don't really. Unless they're covered in marshmallows. After getting her pictures in the mail I called BJ, Tara (adoption agency lady), and left a message for Steve. I wanted to share my joy :) Tara and I talked for a while about the baby and applying for Medicaid, which is such a pain in the ass. They make it almost impossible to reach a human being to talk about your case. It's so hard for people who need help to get help. A bunch of beaurocratic bullshit. Anyway, I have to talk to them myself because they wouldn't talk to Tara. Another woman, Kathy from Mease hospital, is helping me apply too. Sooner or later the medical bills will get paid, either with Medicaid or from the adoption agency.

Aside from that, I've been keeping the house clean, which does wonders for my mental state. It feels better to live in a clean house. I don't dread coming home now once I've been out.

Saw Demitra this morning at 8:15 AM sharp (after getting 40 minutes of sleep). We had a good session and I'm making progress. Sometimes I wonder if she can guide and help me as much as I need. I guess we'll see as time goes on.

The Osho Zen Tarot deck I ordered from Barnes and Noble is in. I have some gift card credit, but it will still be about $20.

Well I have more to say, but my wrists hurt. Bye guys.

Just came back from Notes on a Scandal. It was great! It grabs your attention from the first moment. Great drama, good score, excellent build up of the characters. And some surprises. I'm so glad it was even better than I expected! Sometimes when I see a preview I can tell if I'll really like it or not. That sounds fairly obvious, but I get a feeling from certain movies that are above and beyond. This and Curse of the Golden Flower were like that. Very good.

I took Steve into work today right after I woke from a 10+ hour sleep. I really needed it and I feel better. We got Chik-fil-A on the way to Tampa but I didn't eat it yet. It's in the fridge. I did not eat fast food today! I had a tomato sandwich with onion, and a bagel with cream cheese and avacado. Nothing bad except for a handful of chips and a few cookies.

On the way back I went to PetSmart and spent a lot more than I expected on new litter boxes, litter, deoderizer, and canned food for our "furry children". (Silly.) We were using these disposable boxes but they were too shallow and the cats peed on the wall and shit outside the box. Not good. As I was leaving the store, I stopped to put a dollar in the homeless pets collection box, and I spilled my change all over the floor. No one stopped to help me and I was embarassed. That's what I get for trying to help, I thought. But then this lady told me I missed some change. That was nice, especially after the cashier was a little brat. So I smiled at her in the parking lot. Then I went to Publix and picked up some coffee grinds, filters, and creamer (International Delight French Vanilla -- *drool*). Then back to the house.

God, people are so rude, thoughtless and inconsiderate. I can't tell you how many times I let people go in traffic, swerved to avoid their reckless driving, yielded to people in the grocery store, even when I was just a person walking and they had a cart! But nobody says "Thank you" or "Excuse me". What happened to manners?! Lord, it is so frustrating. I don't think I can ever have another customer service job (retail or food service). That leaves few possibilites for someone in their early 20s without a bachelor's or much work experience. Well, I have some, but I didn't hold my jobs for very long. Regardless, I know I'll find work when I put my mind to it and look.

I saw the proprietor of Purple Moon, the new age shop where I get my psychic readings, in the grocery store. It was nice that he said hello, but I slowed to chat and he kept walking. So that was awkward. For some reason I've gotten really sensitive to people looking at me in public. I think it's because I've gained a few pounds.

Called Demitra tonight and got an appointment for 8:30 AM, tomorrow, well I guess this coming morning. It's gonna suck because Steve is working overtime and doesn't get out until 3:30 AM. I've gotta leave here a little after 2:30 AM to get him, then it's another 40 minutes home. But I'll manage. I'll log a few hours sleep before the appointment and come back and sleep. And I won't take him in tomorrow. It's a lot of driving!

last night we went to quizbowl, before that hung out with kim and bill, after quizbowl, denny's. came home, went online, got 2 hours of sleep, woke at 8:00 am naturally from a dream. i was dreaming about livejournal. sad, eh? showered, took steve to work, saw car with lisence plate INTRNET and tried to take a picture on steve's camera phone but couldn't get a good shot. listened to tori while driving. on the way home there was a guy wearing a jason mask hanging out the passenger window of a car holding a rubber chicken. he seemed poised to huck it at another car. SO weird! i ate the most wonderful sandwich ever created for lunch. it was heaven. srsly firehouse subs = great. barnes & noble, bought the essential calvin and hobbes with a gift card. got cigs, went home. talked to marc on the phone. gossiped about people from middle school who still live in CT, and those who don't. went to pick up BJ, felt really sleepy on the way over. dozed on his couch while watching rent. listened to bright eyes while driving. ate taco bell and went to tampa to pick up steve. drove home.

i'm worried i may be bipolar again. two hours of sleep and all this activity? when just last week i was calling a crisis center helpline because i was so infinitely depressed? driving around today i felt what could only be a manic high: i was running yellow lights, driving fast, blasting my radio, windows down, singing along. i felt ecstatic peace with god and myself and my life. also, i'm eating like a pig. probably the most indicative factor is this underlying need. for what, i'm not exactly sure. sometimes i think i've come up with the combination to fill the need. weed and sex. shopping and food. company and adventures. but i haven't got all the components. it scares me to feel this way because it drives me to do things i don't normally do. and i don't like feeling this clawing inner beast of discontent.

i just don't know but it's definitely something to talk to demitra about. plus i have an appointment with a psychiatrist soon, and it's worth mentioning.

it's so sad because i thought i was over being bipolar. i thought it was something i could get a handle on. and when i was pregnant i was either abnormally even keel or i was depressed. i haven't felt mania in a long time but i know its calling cards all too well. Well I throw up my hands!

Tara called today to say that yes, Emmy's Aparents sent an update and Tara has it right now in Largo! Which means in a few days it will be here! I can't tell you how incredibly grateful I was that the misunderstanding about the updates is cleared up. And she said Rebecca wasn't mad, she just agreed and sent it off. Maybe they were busy with the holidays or maybe they really were just trying for the minimum, but whatever the case may be, it's resolved and I get to "see" my daughter every month this year. That is such a great comfort to me.

It was nice and cool today with a breeze and overcast sky. It might rain, I hope so.

Turns out there's "not much money left" in the trust, according to my attorney. But I don't know her definition of "not much money". It could be anything from $10 - $1,000. I mean, if $500 is "not much" to her, that's still a good bit to me. I was disappointed to hear that, so I won't be getting the big money. But that's OK.

I gotta run.

Oh, and Curse of the Golden Flower was a really good movie, you should see it in the theatre!

Reply to this post and I'll tell you at least one reason why I like you. Then put this in your own journal and spread the love.

Things on LJ that I hate

1. Obsession with Japanese culture, although that's not strictly an online affliction. Like this winner: yaoiboi69 You're from Texas! I highly doubt anyone calls you I-chan Kobayashi. Get over yourself.

2. Sentences like this: "I would rather not have to shop at 6543789742 stores to find glass dildos."

Of course you won't go to 654378974 stores, douchebag. You could have just as easily written four stores, a handful of stores, too many stores, etc. It's not easy on the eyes. They don't even put the commas in. It makes the sentence and the speaker look ridiculous. Luckily this meme seems to be dying out.

4. I love my question communities. Here's a common occurrence. Person A posts a question, Person B responds in a comment. Then Person C responds to Person B saying something inane like, "omg hi 2 u" and they have a friendly exchange on Person A's post. If you're gonna talk about stuff that has nothing to do with the original post, take it to your own Lj or one of the many chat clients available.

5. IAWTC or IAWTOP

6. Icons with people's sonogram pictures in them. Creepy! It's bad enough I have to look at a bunch of ugly babies in enthusiastic-Lj-moms' icons. But their fetus? With a name and an expected due date? *Shudder*

I know what you're thinking but my baby's not ugly.

7. lulz, lolz, lollerskates, lol

8. Another question community thing. One person posts asking what everyone's favorite Disney movie is. Some respond, others say they didn't like Disney movies. A few posts later, someone else writes: "Inspired by the Disney post" (first of all, inspiration doesn't strike you to make a post in a Livejournal community. It strikes you to make art or change your life.) They'll write, "Does anyone else here NOT like Disney movies?" Just to be contrary and to get people to agree with them.

9. One post annoyed me the other day. This girl asked what hardships we'd been through in life. Then she answered her own question saying she grew up homeless, her parents were on meth, and various other experiences. I felt like she was posting just to say, Look how strong I am and pat me on the back for it. Maybe that's just my ego talking, but it seemed like she wanted to pull the "My life is worse than yours" card.

10. Every once in a while we'll get posts like this: "What bands do you like that nobody else knows about?" Read: how obscure are your musical interests, and that must mean they're better than mainstream bands. Not always the truth. Sometimes there's a reason why indie bands are indie bands. They suck! Then people can one up each other on just how scene they are.

11. FTW

12. tl;dr

I need something. Sex, a cigarette, a change, fun, drugs, attention, love, acceptance, peace. There is a void in me. I don't know how to feel whole right now, although I am making progress. Demitra calls it movement and it gives me hope and motivation to progress knowing that she believes in me.

As of today, I have finally decided that my family, namely my mother's side and especially my aunt Pat, are no longer a concern of mine. Their reality doesn't define mine and I will not allow my aunt bully me. I will not allow even the thought of her to control my feelings, thoughts and behavior. I will not suffer another minute of guilt over the state of my life because I know she would object.

I deserve better than living in fear of her.

Even though this is ultimately freeing, I feel vulnerable. I don't want people to look at me.

I am officially chosing who I want to be close to me, collecting my family through a connection rather than obligation.

$71 to see Red Hot Chili Peppers. Come-fucking-on, people. That's ONE ticket. One adult admission. Not on the floor. What happened to concerts? That's too much damn money, even though I've wanted to see the Chili Peppers ever since I was twelve. But this is ridiculous.

They're one of the bands I really want to see before they call it quits for good. I don't care if it's a reunion tour. Same with Tool. I must see Tool in concert before they break up. MJK has said that 10,000 Days was probably Tool's last album. APC is still around, but I've already seen them, and APC is not equal to Tool.

Sigh!